Beware of TACO

My wife and I are having our first child this summer, well she is the one actually giving birth.  For all of you question askers out there: It's a girl, the due date is July 31st, no we have not decided on a name yet, and yes we're excited.  With the birth of a child comes additional responsibility like caring for another life, being more financially accountable, and of course, child birth classes.

We attended our first class at the hospital on Monday.  It was a little awkward at first.  You know, several couples, strangers, smashed into a tiny room, talking openly about each other's private parts and bodily fluids.  Which brings me to the point of this post, the rupturing of the amniotic sac or the breaking of the water.

We learned a nifty acronym to decipher whether or not we should notify the doctor of anything abnormal when the water breaks.  COAT: C = color of fluid (it should be clear), O = odor (it should lack it), A = amount (may vary), and T = time (usually all at once but may vary).  Now upon seeing these letters on the screen I put together an acronym in my head that is more up my alley and way easier to remember.  Time, Amount, Color, Odor or TACO.  Sounds delicious doesn't it!  So whichever works better for you, a cold weather clothing item or delectable Mexican entree.

Then I really started thinking about it.  If all of a sudden superfluous quantities of greenish yellow fluid that has a putrid smell comes spewing out of my wife, I won't need to remember any acronym to realize I need to call the doctor immediately... after I regain consciousness.

Conan's Greatest Triumph

In honor of Conan moving to the Tonight Show (replacing Jay Leno) this week, I thought I'd share my favorite Late Night clip.

Don't Touch The Time Machine

The kids get weirder the closer it gets to the end of the school year.  I have been giving my students a couple of days of in class time to study with exam week approaching.  Seems like a good idea right?  Not really.

Next to my classroom is the senior lab.  It has a few big tables that are great for group work.  The seniors are gone at this point in the year, and some of the kids asked if they could use that room to 'study'.  It's a bit crowded in my room, so I agreed.  My kids had never been in there before, so naturally upon entering the room they proceeded to ask me several thousand questions.  "What's this?", "Why are these here?", "What does this do?", and so on.  As I was leaving the room, one of the kids pointed to the chemical ventilation hood (which looks like a large microwave with a metal chimney that takes chemical fumes outside) and asked me about it.  At that point I was tired of answering questions, so I responded "It's a time machine, now don't touch anything."  The kids giggled and I left the room.

Several minutes later, I was back in my room helping some other kids with exam questions when I heard the lab door swing open.  "Mr. A! Help! Abby's stuck inside the time machine and we can't get her out!" they shouted.  I ran over to the lab room to see what was going on.  Sure enough, Abby was inside the vent chamber.  I could see her through the glass window.  She looked both shocked and embarrassed.  I guess the anticipation of what the future has in store was simply too irresistible.  I also guess they did not see the OPEN button that releases the latch when the glass door is closed.  I was both stupefied and doing my best to contain my laughter (I'm supposed to be the role model right?).  The only words I could muster were, "I told you not to touch the time machine."  Luckily they did not hit the ON button or Abby would have been in for the ride of her life.  It is quite dusty in there and the exhaust fan is pretty intense.  She would have left the vent looking as if she had spent a few minutes inside a Hoover vacuum bag.

The lesson learned here is simple.  No matter how tempting it might be to foresee the future or change the past, live the best you can in the present, use common sense, and whatever you do, don't touch the time machine.

Dweeb Olympics

For those of you who don't know, I am a high school Biology teacher.  This year I accepted a position where I would be teaching an advanced, magnet program Biology class.  I didn't know it at the time, but I was about to become a bona fide nerd herder.  My first hint was on the first week of school when one class erupted into a round of applause (followed by a standing ovation) after we finished Chapter 1 Notes... not kidding.  If you're a nerd like me, you'll appreciate this.

The year has nearly come to an end and the kids are starting to let loose a little.  My nerd shepherding came to a climax today when the annual frog dissection lab turned into the Dweeb Olympics.  All of what I am about to tell you is the absolute truth.

I'll start with my first period class.  Cutting through a frog bone can, at times, create frog gut projectiles.  The bones are under a little tension, when they are snipped they tend to fling any small particles touching them into the air.  I warn the kids to avoid dissecting with their mouths ajar.  Many students have inadvertently consumed bits of frog in the past (it happens more often then you might think).  Well, not more than 5 minutes after I gave them the projectile speech, I heard a girl in the back of the room screaming.  "It's in my mouth!  It's in my mouth!" she yelled (all of the boys in the class in unison: "that's what she said").  After I gave her the old 'I told you so', she proceeded to explain that she is a mouth breather because of her deviated septum, and would have otherwise suffocated.  

In fourth period, I had a girl show me what she had created after finishing the required steps.  She approached me with a huge grin. "I skinned it!" she said.  This was true.  The frog looked as if it had been caught naked after changing out of its camouflaged wet suit.  "That's pretty demented" I responded.  She scoffed at me jokingly and rolled her eyes.  As she walked away she said "At least it's not a person!"  I wholeheartedly agreed.

Finally, my selection for the All-Olympic Team: fifth period, group three.  Much to their delight, group three's frog was on the verge of emptying its bowels upon its demise.  The frog's large intestine was packed full of digested insect parts.  So much so that one of the students suggested that it might have died from a gluttonous binge.  Chuckling a bit, I walked around the room to check on the other groups.  When I returned to group three, I noticed something in the frog was missing.  "What happened to the intestines?" I asked.  For some reason, this comment instantly caused all three of them to explode into laughter.  As I took a closer look to figure out what was so hilarious, I discovered that they had fed the dead frog its own fecal matter by forcing it through its opened esophagus.  When asked WHY exactly they would force a deceased amphibian to re-eat its last meal, they responded "Boil this and it's considered a delicacy in Asia!"  Wow!  They were so proud.

As I mentioned before, these events are all 100% true.  I do admire the kids in my class, it took me until college to respect the fact that I am a huge nerd.  I like science so much that the profession I chose involves me telling others about how much I like science.  Everyone is a nerd, this is undeniable.  The sooner you embrace it, the more enjoyable your life will be.

Until next time...

HERE IT GOES

I'm sure you all have been anticipating this for a long time, but your nail bitting can finally end.  That's right, your buddy Jonnyace is starting a blog.  Now you can just pray that interesting or funny events occur in my life on a regular basis so I can write about them, and in doing so, give your life newfound meaning.